I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
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Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?