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Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume