My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
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KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I have a black belt in leather
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.