The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
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*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
how long have you had this for?
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I don’t think my car can fly
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Has there ever been a more American story?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.