When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
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Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
ibopfufen
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”