One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
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Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?