My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
You Might Also Like
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Breaking news:
A wise man once said nothing.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.