asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
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Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”