I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
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my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Why font matters.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Boating season is upon us.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”