*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
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I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
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