You wish you had this many chins.
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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
the answer was staring at me all along
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
2 years later
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.