I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
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Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s