I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
You Might Also Like
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
why would tinder want me to say this
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC