IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
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I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Cannot stop laughing at this
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank