Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
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the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again