4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
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Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.