Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
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Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?