I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
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A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Me, in DM rooms…
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas