Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
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My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children