It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
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If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
life finds a way
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.