me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
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two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate