How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
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She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth