friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
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My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
My last name is Zilla.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.