“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
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I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Oceanography is all about current events
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.