Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
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sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us