Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
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Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Brilliant!
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.