What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
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My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Damn he played himself
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them