No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
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the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
new career option?
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.