If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
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I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.