Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
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if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Ion see the issue
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
It do be feeling this way.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer