Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
man i love columbo
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions