Body by Oreos
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One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
adam and eve had first world problems
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
The opposite of Iceland is water water
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.