Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
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Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
the three genders