“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
You Might Also Like
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!