Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
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I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
whatcha thinkin bout
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
This is true.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face