[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
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the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
just gave your address to some spiders
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.