me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
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Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.