A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
There is wisdom there.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine