I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
You Might Also Like
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs