When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
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Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Order here:
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I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good