Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
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[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Me :
All Day At Night
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
i hate you platonically
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.