Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
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[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Terribly Tuesday.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.