*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
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If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
I feel this so hard
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
ibopfufen
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it