You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
You Might Also Like
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.