If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
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As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
every college guy’s fridge