Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
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Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
me and my fake scenarios