whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
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How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.