Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
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It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes