Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
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If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.