Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
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The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”